A Stew Just for You

What God taught me through a pot of stew, why God wants us to feel joy, and why Social Comparison Theory is really upsetting when it comes to faith.

I am a superfan of Kate Bowler. In a recent episode of her podcast, Everything Happens, she interviewed Father Greg Boyle, a Jesuit priest who founded and runs Homeboy Industries, which is the world's largest gang intervention and rehabilitation program. Now I am also a superfan of Father Boyle.

Listen to the episode. It’s pretty remarkable.

Buried in it is a very profound question that I believe all of us need to be asking as we consider who we believe God to be and what we believe he is like. It’s this:

Would God rather have us be less sinful or more joyful?

You can’t say “both” — that’s a non-answer.

Pick one. I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

The way we answer this is telling of how we see God and what we understand his core nature to be. If we choose the former, our core understanding of God might lean towards his holiness and perfection. If the latter, our core understanding might lean more towards grace and freedom.

One of my favorite writers is A.W. Tozer, who once wrote in his masterpiece The Knowledge of the Holy this gem of a phrase:

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”

What comes to mind when you think about God? I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

When You Mix Social Comparison Theory and Faith

Now I’ll share what God is teaching me after four decades of church teachings. It’s this: God is way more gentle and generous than we can imagine.

There is this thing called Social Comparison Theory. SCT explains that people often evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to others — and this happens in two ways: through upward comparison (when we compare ourselves to someone we think is doing better) and through downward comparison (when we compare ourselves to someone we think is doing worse).

I am not exaggerating when I say that there are likely only a handful of days in my life where I haven’t compared myself in some way to others (and these days were probably when I was too sick to think about such deep thoughts!).

I am a master at upward comparison, particularly when it comes to my faith and how I live it out. I have a lifetime of guilt surrounding my lack of morning quiet time with God, my too-infrequent church volunteer hours, and my almost non-existent verbal expressions of the gospel.

Nothing was more simultaneously inspiring and condemning than when I worked for an organization that focused specifically on evangelism — verbally sharing the gospel. I felt awe-inspired hearing of people coming to faith on airplanes and core convicted as I thought about my bent towards putting my nose in a book on a plane.

Fast forward a few years.

It wasn’t a momentary “Ah-ha!”; instead, it was the slow burn of God’s gentleness that taught me that utilizing SCT in a faith context is disastrous. There is a reason 2 Corinthians 10:12 exists:

^“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.”

The Message version says part two of this verse this way: “…in all this comparing and grading and competing, [we can] quite miss the point.”

While we hold our subconscious beliefs of what we believe God wants of us (60 minutes of quiet time in the morning, 2-3 weekly volunteer hours, 5 verbal expressions of the gospel), we simply miss the point of who God is. We have believed the lie that in God’s eyes, we must always be MORE.

When we compare ourselves to others in upward comparison, we train ourselves to believe that we are always lacking and that the core of us isn’t good enough.

That’s really sad.

A Pot of Faith Stew

Let me share with you a visual of what transformed my thinking around God’s gentle and generous nature.

One day I was mentally putting all of the ingredients of what I thought should be in the perfect faith stew:

• Morning Bible study

• Daily prayer

• Serving others

• Being part of a local church community

• Evangelism

Likely, these ingredients are on your list of a great faith stew as well — one that is aromatic and tasty and inviting.

And then I did a reality check on which of these I actually had in my pot.

In full transparency, as I looked into my pot, it was empty.

And I started to cry.

Because others’ pots weren’t empty — many, in fact, were overflowing.

And here’s how I know that the answer to the above question — Would God rather have us be less sinful or more joyful? — is that God would choose the second option.

Because as I looked at my nearly empty pot that should be filled with good, faith-filled ingredients, I only saw my lack. But as I cried, God whispered, “But Laurie, it’s EMPTY. Waiting to be filled. There’s unlimited potential to fill it!”

God is gentle and gracious. I see my lack and he sees what can be.

My Attempt to Sum This Up

There’s a phrase I once read (I believe it was attributed to ‘unknown’):

“Every minute you spend wishing you had someone else’s life is a minute spent wasting yours.”

The truth is that God isn’t like us. He doesn’t wish we were something other than who we are. He doesn’t care that our pot is currently empty. But he sure does want to fill it with the ingredients he wants to fill it with.

Those ingredients might not be morning Bible study and church communities and evangelism as many have defined it. Maybe our ingredients look a little different.

Maybe we create beautiful art that points people to God. Maybe we tell our neighbor why we are staring at the tree above as we listen to the baby birds chirp in October. Maybe we don’t sit for 30 minutes in silence, but instead we whisper in all contentment, “Thank you, Jesus, for another day” as we lay our heads down at night.

Psalm 121:1 has always been a favorite of mine:

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains — where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.”

When we finally stop believing that God is like us, everything changes. We see our lack as potential and we can finally start filling our pots with ingredients that are uniquely ours.

God will never compare us to others. We shouldn’t, either. I am learning this, but after 40 years, it’s hard. Very hard.

I love you, friends, and I am cheering you on as you ground yourself in a God who sees all of you through very gentle and generous eyes.

Much love to you,

💚 Laurie

Next week I will help guide you in filling your pot in Part 2 of this post.